I Am Who I Am, Even When I'm Not

I have lead worship in some form or another for a long, long time—having started in youth group around 1973. For all these years I have defined myself through my participation of leading the body in our expression of worship. Some things in life your gut says you're supposed to do no matter what happens or what anyone may say. In my case, the one thing that became evident was that I was a worship leader. I somehow knew in my heart I possessed the peculiar gifts and talents to function effectively at this endeavor. From early on, I always felt that I would lead worship for the rest of my life, fulfilling the "call" doing the thing I loved to do most.

Today, more than 35 years later, I do not lead worship anymore. It's difficult to explain how and why this has happened. It's certainly not because I made the conscious decision to quit—I have tried very hard not to stop. Through the most recent years in my tent, I have attempted in every way I could imagine to find the open door that would lead me back to my joy. Nothing has panned out to this date and, needless to say, there were many days I've felt thoroughly confused about the stoppage.

On occasion, doors that held potential for a new "position" swung ajar but they closed and bolted without so much as a nod in my direction. Other doors, though they appeared perfectly suited for me at first, left me fearing that a bigger mistake could not be made than to walk through them. One of life's toughest scenarios is to consciously decide to stay put when you feel as if you cannot hang on one more day where you are.

In time, the question arose whether God was actually taking worship leading away from me! Would God really take something away that was so important and life giving? The short answer...Yeah, he would. But he would not remove it merely to test my commitment to it, for he knows that already. He may remove it to gauge my devotion to him, though I don't think so in this case. I believe the most crucial of all intents is to show me how much more than a worship leader I am.

This whole tent-life seems to be adding to me things I could not have attained through any other means. This is the only way to get there! And whatever future God has set aside, enduring this part of the journey is critical to getting it done.

One thing is sure; I don't want to resume worship leading until I am certain that God has initiated it. I hope that one day the opportunity will come again. But there's a chance that I may never do it again. If that is the case, then I think I may be okay with it. I think I've come to the conclusion that it's not doing something that validates you as a person, it's simply being what God intended all along.