Earlier I let you know that I am a tent dweller. But I have yet to tell you where my tent is parked. Since we know each other a little better now, I feel safe enough to let you know that my tent is pitched in my mother-in-law's backyard. There! I said it.
It has taken me many, many months to feel comfortable enough to speak about my failures. I fell into this abyss because I was hopelessly ruled by the standards of success set down by our culture. Driven by appearances, and kept in line by false perceptions, I laid down under the weight of what I thought I should be. And then, skirting the periphery of life, staying in the shadows, I stole down the backstreets of cynicism.
Over time I found out that keeping to myself was very unhealthy. As difficult as it was, I had to find ways of opening up to others about the toughest thing I've ever had to experience. I began by writing my thoughts and feelings down which eventually became a book called Wisdom's Gait. Writing was very therapeutic and brought me to a place of greater wholeness once again. As I became engulfed in writing the book, I also found that I could more easily express my feelings and emotions to real persons—as if writing was practice for actual heartfelt relationship. And that, above anything else, proved to be the greatest healing factor. We need other people to make it in this life.
I'm well enough now to let you know that it nearly destroyed me to have to move into the tent in my mother-in-law's yard. I had never felt as betrayed by God as I did the first several months in the tent. It seemed as if God turned away from me and left me to fend for myself. I was lost and no one was organizing a search party.
We sure learn a lot about ourselves, and life around us, when we come to an impasse. All of life suddenly seems to become a huge pile of unanswered questions. Can we make the decision to believe while we feel absolutely abandoned by the object of our faith? Can we get up in the morning when a good reason to is hard to find? Can we determine what is important enough to work through and what should be thrown away?
Finding the answers to questions like these determines the outcome of tomorrow. But let's just get through today first.
