The tension between what I want and what I cannot have has not eased in over 50 years. When I scrutinize the intense feelings associated with lack I see that they are the evidence of a long, hard search for me. Herein lies the conflict of my will versus God’s will—or what I believe is “fair” versus what God sees as “good”.
It's taken me a long time to realize that God does not work on the level of “fairness versus unfairness”. He is more concerned with what is “good”. The trouble I have with his approach is that “good” does not always appear “fair” from every angle, especially from my own. In fact, if we are honest, we have all had doubts concerning God's fairness at certain points.
A question of “fairness” can be immensely difficult to resolve since it is only by my willingness and acceptance that it can be laid to rest. My flesh, though, has a difficult time laying any perceived personal injustice to rest. Therefore, it is always better that I approach a difficult situation in life on the basis of whether or not it holds the potential for good. For instance, I realize now that much good can come from these years in the tent, even though their fairness will forever remain up for grabs.
