Today I continue to be baffled over the purpose of these long, difficult years. Sometimes I think I have a slight inkling of God’s intentions, but that only serves to send me free falling back into attempting to construct my life on my own terms. I think he can do a far better job of designing a life than I ever could—so I will try to let him do that.
In all sincerity, what I truly desire from this tent life is that it produces something golden within me. I would rather pass away into eternity today than have these tent days account for nothing more than a few years of wasted time. My hope is that this struggle somehow culminates into something valuable in the kingdom of God for some greater good.
As much as I would love to be set free from the tent expeditiously this year, I do not seek to merely “get through” this period of my life and then casually move on to the “next thing”. These tent years have cost me far too much to turn the page on them nonchalantly. I must take with me something precious from these years of excavation.
So, when I finally get to look back at this time as a tent dweller I want to be able to say with strong conviction that this was the occasion—this was the moment in history that God took a hold of me, mercifully threw me into the fiery furnace of his faithful love, and changed me for all time. I want to be able to say that this was the time that created in me the things I needed for the rest of my task on earth and that, because of it, my life actually made a difference to another soul.
Happy New Year!
